Keep holding on
by andersex
Summary: JT and Liberty reflect on giving up their son.


**Keep Holding On**

**Summary**: Set after Liberty gives the baby up for adoption.

**Pairings:** JT/Liberty

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything.

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_You're not alone  
Together we stand  
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand  
When it gets cold_

She looked up at the grey bricked building and blinked away the tears that were threatening to cascade down her cheeks. She had just done something that most women would remember as one of the top 2 most memorable moments in their lives. But for Liberty Van Zandt, it would probably be one of the worst days she could ever imagine, and she wouldn't wish this anyone.

She could feel a hand squeezing her own but she ignored his attempts to cheer her up. She secretly blamed him for all of this, even if it wasn't his entire fault. Oh hell, who was she kidding; this whole thing was technically his fault! It was His extra large condom, his idiotic smile that made her fall in love with him, his idea that they could raise a baby, and his pathetic attempt to provide for them by selling drugs that got them here in the first place.

_And it feels like the end  
there's no place to go_

She felt numb, he was looking over at her, waiting for her to say something or acknowledge what had just happened, but she didn't. She walked back towards the car and slid into the passenger seat and awaited his arrival back to the car. She leaned her head on the dash and sighed, what ever had happened to the simpler days, the days when he had pretended that he was gay just to avoid her. Why had she needed to be loved by him, why had she allowed herself to fall in love, love equals pain and now that was all she had left, a whole lot of pain.

He got in the car and sighed deeply, he was hurting just as much as she was but he couldn't help but feel guilty as well as upset, seeing as it was his entire fault. He should have got another part time job, not drug dealing, that was dumb and he knew it, he had just forgotten. Why had he listened to Jay? He wasn't really sure, but he knew it was one of the dumbest things he had every done…ever. Now thanks to that momentary lapse in judgment, his life had been changed forever, and not for the better.

He wasn't even sure why he had taken those pills in the first place. Dealing them he understood, he wanted and needed to provide for his family and in some delusional way, this seemed like the only way to do it. However, what he thought was a good idea and would help them out, just happened to be the thing that caused him to lose it all.

When he popped the pills into his mouth he never even thought about what would happen, the only thing running through his mind was that Liberty hated him and didn't want to see him again, so he had taken the quick escape, not even considering what the overall consequences might end up being.

_You know I won't give in  
No I won't give in_

He looked over at her, wondering if it was the right time or place to say anything yet. He decided that it wasn't the right time and he started up the car, with one last look at the grey hospital building entrance, the place where his whole life had shattered.

She didn't look back, she couldn't look back. She knew that if she did look back, she wouldn't be able to walk away from her son again, she just wouldn't be able to do that. She thought of all the kids in the world who always ask why their parents leave them and she had always told herself that she would never do that to someone, and now she had done it, she had abandoned her son, and she would probably never see him again.

She wrapped her arms around her knees and hugged them to her chest as they drove down the street in silence, neither one of them in the right frame of mind to form a conversation.

_Keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through  
Just stay strong  
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you  
There's nothing you could say  
Nothing you could do  
There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through_

Everyone stares, she noted, as she walked through the hallway. They all knew what had happened to her and JT and their son, but none of them even wanted to acknowledge the grieving parents, not even their friends. All they had left was each other, and even that bond was getting weaker and weaker everyday. Long gone was the comforting feeling that she had when she was with him. Now all she had was a nagging emptiness that just wouldn't go away, and she highly doubted that it would.

He didn't laugh anymore, or smile, he barely even breathed, and that was only because he had to. He hadn't been eating or sleeping and he didn't talk much unless if a teacher asked him a direct question that couldn't be answered with a nod, a head shake or a shrug and even then it was only one or two word answers. The school considering setting him up with counseling, but they didn't have the authority to force him to go, and his grandmother just said that he needed time to get over it.

_So far away  
I wish you were here  
Before it's too late, this could all disappear_

It's been a month, a really long month, and she can barely keep it together anymore. JT is slowly dying, she can see it in his eyes, he wont last much longer. She's sure that if she was to look into her own eyes she would see the same things, but she doesn't look in mirrors, when she sees them she runs away, afraid of what she'll see looking back at her.

The school plays were cancelled, seeing as the two head's of the drama department weren't capable of carrying on proper conversations with each other let alone with other people, strangers and trying to write peppy joyous skits that always ended happy, especially when they both knew that there were no happy endings, not for them anyway.

_Before the doors close  
And it comes to an end_

_With you by my side I will fight and defend  
I'll fight and defend  
Yeah, yeah_

The few friends they had left were worried, both of them were slipping, and it looked like they were about to break…or possibly worse.

He walked the halls like a zombie, running into things a lot and never looking up from the ground. His hair was long and un-kept, like it hadn't been combed in forever, which it probably hadn't. They couldn't get him to talk at lunch time, he would sit and stare straight ahead, never moving and barely blinking. The few times he looked up would be to look at her, and his eyes would glaze over and he would look back down at the ground.

She was the same, didn't eat and probably didn't sleep. Her grades were down below C's, which was a scary fact all in all seeing as Liberty Van Zandt never would have stood for anything below an A+ before all this drama that had invaded their lives and shook them so. But the two of them were slowly sliding into a rut, a rut that people feared they would never get out of.

_Keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through  
Just stay strong  
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you  
There's nothing you could say  
Nothing you could do  
There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through_

Three months later it took two more attempts and two more failures for the two of them to snap back. Another jar of pills and a jagged edge was their new form of private punishments, one they quickly were pulled away from.

She was the ravine girl, allowing anyone to do anything to her, as she just searched for something to dull the pain that intensified as time went on. She started doing anything she could get her hands on, Weed, Ecstasy, Cocaine, and Heroin. The downward spiral started there and escalated. She got kicked out of her house, got a mild STD, got a reputation, got even more staring then she had gotten before and lost student council president, not that she was even doing the work in the first place.

He was losing his mind, every night he would go into his room and stare at the walls of the room. They had always been boring and bland while he was growing up. They were white, his grandmother wouldn't let him paint the room, and he had always complained about it when he was bored. But not he appreciated their bluntness, their innocence. He hated them but at the same time they reminded him of a time where he wasn't so fucked, and where he was actually happy. Those days seemed so far away and as the date of three months approached he started to lose it with all of his thoughts of the possible.

_Hear me when I say, when I say I believe  
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny_

Their son could be crawling now, he could have said his first words, which would probably be ether mommy or daddy, and neither word would be said to his real parents, because they had abandoned him. Everyday JT would walk past the home of his son and his adoptive parents and want to barge right in and take his son back, but he couldn't do that.

He couldn't take it anymore, he needed an escape

She couldn't take it anymore, she needed to get away

_Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah_

He stared at the ceiling of their conjoining hospital room, battling his inner emotions that were threatening to over power him. He looked over at her and she looked away, either ashamed or scared, he wasn't sure.

They were both here for the same reason; they had both tried to claim their lives.

However for him, this wasn't the first time, just the first time it had gotten that far.

If you were to look at the tops of his legs you would see deep tiny scars that were obviously self-inflicted. But you would only see the surface wounds, not the emotional ones.

She was having a sense of déja-vu, except when JT had overdosed so many months ago; she was sitting across from the bed, screaming at him, while still pregnant.

If you would have told her back then, that this would be here almost a year later, she wouldn't have believed it. But yet here she was, and here he was next to her, having slashed his wrists in the school bathroom.

The two of them were such fuck ups; maybe that's why she still loved him.

_Keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through  
Just stay strong  
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you  
There's nothing you could say  
Nothing you could do  
There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through_

She was doing better.

72 hours of suicide watch and 34 sessions of private therapy and she was back at school, determined not to let the loss of her son affect her school work any longer.

He wasn't back at school; she hadn't seen him since their 72 hour stint in the hospital under suicide watch.

She had heard that he had run away, but she didn't know where or when.

She still loved him, but he probably wouldn't care anyway.

_Keep holding on  
Keep holding on_

He stood on the steps of Degrassi Community School and took a deep breath. He wasn't over the loss of their son, but he wasn't going to throw his life away, not again.

He walked into the school, banging point blank into a girl with curly brown hair.

_There's nothing you could say  
Nothing you could do_

She wondered if he was okay, but her wondering wasn't long lived. He was there on the steps of the school, talking to a girl with long brown hair. No matter how much had gone on between them, she still loved him deep down, and to see him smiling, for the first time in a really long time, all because of this new girl, it really hurt her.

He faked a smile for the new girl, whose name was Mia. She told him she had a daughter and he instantly perked up. If he couldn't be with Liberty and his son, why not be with the second best thing?

He needed a new escape, and he had just found it.

_There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So keep holding on_

She dedicated herself to her school work, ignoring the pain.

He threw himself into his fake life, and pretended that Mia was Liberty, and her daughter was their son.

They were both lying to themselves, and they only realized it when it was too late to go back and call do-over.

_'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through_


End file.
